The Era of Sarah with Sarah Rachel Lazarus

Wish We Could Be Glam Demons (W/ Serena Shahidi )

• Slaz Productions / Serena Shahidi • Season 1 • Episode 19

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This week, we dish about getting blocked by Jasmine Masters, stealing from Whole Foods, the best rice bags to dry Kelly Anne Conway & much more .  We are joined by the glam demon herself, Serena Shahidi a.k.a. Glamdemon2004.   She's a tik toker and podcast host of the show 'Let Me Ruin Your Life.' We gabbed about creating an environment that is so toxic in Zabar's, the pro's and cons of Murray Hill, and Elizabeth Holmes Covid Vaccines.

Watch extra video content on youtube @ Sarah R Lazarus Comedy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmSFYBIZfGQ&list=PLP3fJ-OYnicBUbf1a8HQUnZZznEJNIiV5

Donate to Kylie Westbrook's Gofundme
Kylie Westbrooks is African American, transgender woman born, & raised in Milwaukee, WIShe is an extremely underpaid sex worker who’s been on and off hormone replacement therapy since her health insurance gets cut roughly every 3-4 months. She looks after her three kid sisters and 2yr old nephew.

She is attempting to raise enough money for sustainable housing, to ensure that billable health insurance doesn’t take away from her completing her transition so that she can be her most authentic self and to give her the ability to have a few gender confirming procedures

https://www.gofundme.com/f/21l1udqis0


Follow me on instagram to see more content, stay updated on upcoming episodes and send me questions for future guests!
https://www.instagram.com/sarahrlazarus

Sarah Lazarus:

Hello hello, everyone! Welcome to wish u were weird!

Vinny:

The show where we talk about everything you've always wanted to know more about!

Sarah Lazarus:

Including but not limited to drag

Vinny:

dating

Sarah Lazarus:

politics

Vinny:

Six obscure hostess cakes that exists only at my corner store

Sarah Lazarus:

Coming to terms with the fact that there will never be another Brenda Song

Vinny:

The edge of 711 by Stevie Dicks

Sarah Lazarus:

Using the citizen app to catfish someone

Vinny:

The best remedies for chromatica Oreo indigenstion

Sarah Lazarus:

The best rice bags to dry Kellyanne Conway

Vinny:

Eight ways to figure out how the fuck Tana Mongeau got involved in the first place. I didn't write an introduction for myself. Vincent.

Sarah Lazarus:

You need no introduction. And I'm the girl who was blocked on Instagram by Jasmine Masters, Sarah.

Vinny:

Wait, the fact that you were!

Sarah Lazarus:

okay, here's the thing. Okay, this is so fucking weird. So I just dm to jasmine and asked her to be on our show. And I like gave her whole shtick, I was like, "love to have you!" And I went to see if she responded and I looked at her profile and she fucking blocked me. Like, bitch, you could have just said no or ignored me.

Vinny:

She said, "I'm Jasmine Masters, and I have nothing to say."

Sarah Lazarus:

And I fuckin oop, I guess Jesus. The thing is, she goes live on Instagram like literally at 2am like every single night and says the craziest shit.

Vinny:

You know what? Jasmine Masters may have blocked us, but Lawrence Chaney retweeted us, so you win some, you lose some.

Sarah Lazarus:

There you go. But, I was just gonna say I feel like the reason she blocked me... So, I went on to one of her live Instagrams. She was talking about Richard Gere and his like, weird... the fucking gerbil-asshole story. Do you know about that?

Vinny:

Yeah. Yeah, recount it for those who don't. But I do know the Richard Gere...

Sarah Lazarus:

I feel like we've talked about this one before. Essentially, Richard Gere was rushed to the hospital because he had a gerbil up his ass. And anyways, she was talking about that. And I was like, "Jasmine, will you be a guest on my podcast?" I was like, I was drunk on New Year's. And then she was like, "Oh, DM me!" And then, I don't know, there... And then I commented, "anyone wants a podcast to listen to, we've had these guests," and maybe I shouldn't have like promoted myself on her live. Maybe that's why...

Vinny:

that's really funny.

Sarah Lazarus:

Maybe that was what did it.

Vinny:

Can I say something funny? Honestly, don't don't put it in, don't put it in the podcast, but maybe put it in if you think it's funny, but don't put it in. After our like little drag performance me and Mikey were like, on a zoom... at a zoom party like with a bunch of other drag queens and I left to get water. And when I came back, Mikey was like plugging the podcast and I was like, ahh, ahh! I sat down and they're like, "hey, you're back, osetta! It's getting pretty ate in New York. Right? And you uys should leave."

Sarah Lazarus:

Wait, what? I don't even understand that.

Vinny:

I don't know if that's that's just what I just walked in on the scene of Electra Fyre being like, "yeah, he's interviewed Bob and Miz Cracker, and um... Kung Fu Panda." And they're like, wow, what time is in New York? 3am. You guys must be tired." Yeah.

Sarah Lazarus:

Wait, Mikey didn't kick you out. It was the people on...

Vinny:

The people. Yeah, yeah.

Sarah Lazarus:

Who was on the zoom chat? Tammie Brown and Dot DeVille. Like,

Vinny:

No, Dot DeVille actually joined the zoom chat after I left. At like, 3am so she does not sleep.

Sarah Lazarus:

Oh my god.

Vinny:

What were we talking about? Jasmine masters?

Sarah Lazarus:

Yeah, Jasmine masters literally fucking... You know what, it's fine. My... I was a little hurt. Not gonna lie. But, you know what, let bygones be bygones. And I'm moving on with my life. And that's all I have to think about, right?

Vinny:

You're gonna meet Jasome Masters one day, and she'll be like, "oh, what's your Instagram?" and you'll be like,"um..."

Sarah Lazarus:

It's Sarah C Lazarus on Twitter. I sort of take advantage of having an alter ego who was more famous than me because she doesn't have Instagram. So people just follow me and tagged me in her tweets. Assuming I'm her.

Vinny:

There is another Rosetta Stoned in New York City and people mistake us, and people messaged me looking for her.

Sarah Lazarus:

Oh, really?

Vinny:

Yeah. And then I'm like, oh, look no further. It's me.

Sarah Lazarus:

Do you like set the record straight? Or do you just leave it

Vinny:

I used to, and then, and then you were like, "Don't."

Sarah Lazarus:

I just I'm sort of like I play it like... plausible deniability. I don't say "No, that's not me. But I don't say "that's me," I just say nothing. I just don't like... I don't say anything. I let them tag me I don't untag it. I don't comment.

Vinny:

I'm like yes, I did. Yes, I did perform at

Sarah Lazarus:

Don't tell Mama

Vinny:

Mama's house? Oh yeah. Don't Tell Mama. Yes, I did perform it don't tell Mama. By the way, if you're listening, Rosetta Stoned, your performance don't tell Mama was great.

Sarah Lazarus:

But you can, you can tip... you could tip that@theRosettaStoned on venmo

Vinny:

you can tip either Rosetta Stoned at my venmo!

Sarah Lazarus:

Is there anything going on in the world? I don't know... who... there's so many people who died this past week. It's like fucking nuts with Cicely Tyson. Cloris Leachman. I feel like there was another person... Screech... there was definitely somebody else too.

Vinny:

Oh, no, you know um, yeah, the Boddess Bunny. Who was like trans... kind of big and like the drag... she had like a viral video a long time ago.

Sarah Lazarus:

Oh, yeah. And that artists Sophie who just died

Vinny:

Oh my God.

Sarah Lazarus:

That's like so fucking sad. She literally like went to go watch the moon on her roof in like Greece or something and fucking fell.

Vinny:

Yeah, hold on. I think I just I think I have a... I think I have a tick.

Sarah Lazarus:

Do you have fucking lice?

Vinny:

No. I do not. I literally do not have lice... Chase Icon.

Sarah Lazarus:

You have fucking mlce.

Vinny:

No I don't, no I don't! It's not moving. It's not moving. Whatever it is. It's... ow, what is that? I don't know. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I'm not gonna touch it anymore.

Sarah Lazarus:

I had lice twice as a child.

Vinny:

What? They're not supposed to like curly hair.

Sarah Lazarus:

Well, fuck, it did! It liked mine.

Vinny:

That's hilarious. I've never had lice but if I start teaching in person, I'm sure I'm gonna get them

Sarah Lazarus:

I think I got it from like summer camp. That was the...

Vinny:

Stagedoor?

Sarah Lazarus:

No, like my like regular old summer camp here.

Vinny:

Frogbridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Word. What was it called?

Sarah Lazarus:

Uhh... Pinecrest. It's actually... it's a... it's like a private school here, but they actually, also have a summer camp.

Vinny:

That sounds bougie as fuck, Sarah.

Sarah Lazarus:

That's what we do in Florida, we go to private school in the summer

Vinny:

They like hook you up with a fucking bucket of clams every morning. Champagne

Sarah Lazarus:

They did they did have a nice lunch spread, not gonna lie. Like, fucking meat sauce and lasagna.

Vinny:

Ragu!

Sarah Lazarus:

Ragu! But it was definitely like Whole Foods and not Publix, like that's where they got the food, I'm sure.

Vinny:

Oh, that sounds fun though.

Sarah Lazarus:

Yeah, it was awesome. They had like a zip line and shit, they hooked you up, you know?

Vinny:

You know what, I miss living in Manhattan for one reason and one reason only, and that is stealing from Whole Foods.

Sarah Lazarus:

Aww, we have a mutual friend who got banned from every single wholefoods in the country.

Vinny:

Who?

Sarah Lazarus:

Okay, I'm gonna have to bleep it out.

Vinny:

Just bleep it. Yeah.

Sarah Lazarus:

*bleep*

Vinny:

Are you serious?

Sarah Lazarus:

Oh, yeah.

Vinny:

That's iconic.

Sarah Lazarus:

Yeah. she like...

Vinny:

Did they take her picture?

Sarah Lazarus:

I don't know. I think I think so. She like... got arrested by Whole Foods police I guess.

Vinny:

Were there... were there like handcuffs like made of fucking like vegan...

Sarah Lazarus:

Leather? Yeah, I don't know. You can ask her. She's banned.

Vinny:

I'm gonna tyext her right now. And I'm gonna say, "Are you still banned from Whole Foods?" I don't I don't believe in stealing. Okay? I just believe... You don't believe it? Well, guess what, believe it, bitch! Because it's happening and I'm doing it. From Duane Reade. Tonight.

Sarah Lazarus:

Don't! Who is the... think about the person who owns the Duane Reade.

Vinny:

He's got money. I don't give a shit about him.

Sarah Lazarus:

You're gonna get bad karma for that.

Vinny:

I don't really steal anymore. I don't really but I

Sarah Lazarus:

Didn't you steal like Ross perfume or something? did. I used to steal a lot during my college and high school times. Not a lot. Not a lot. Not a lot. Not a lot. But like, once or twice. I sometimes I say things on this podcast, and I'm like... ugh, my Mo listens to it like perfume for girls?

Vinny:

It was guess. And guess what? You know what happened when I was stealing? Guest perfume? You know that little girl in musical theater tik tok that I went to high school with?

Sarah Lazarus:

Yeah

Vinny:

Her Mom, like, was there! In that TJ Maxx, and I was like talking to her, with like... a bottle of perfume like shoved between my ass cheeks.

Sarah Lazarus:

That's delicious.

Vinny:

She texted me back, by the way.

Sarah Lazarus:

What did she say?

Vinny:

She said she's gone since but now she pays in cash just in case.

Sarah Lazarus:

That's gonna be a test to see if she listens to this because if she does, she'll get probably pissed that we brought this up.

Vinny:

This week we'll be doing two truths and a lie, It-girl edition! Sarah, Take it away!

Sarah Lazarus:

Number one, Paris Hilton has size 11 feet, and has admitted that she hates the size of her feet. Two, Gossip Girl is based on Tori Spelling's failures. Three. Lindsay Lohan had a Disney roommate.

Vinny:

Okay, Gossip Girl is not based on Tori Spelling's failures.

Sarah Lazarus:

No.

Vinny:

What it was?

Sarah Lazarus:

No, it's not. It's it's based on, actually, Tinsley Mortimer w o's on The Real Housewives of N w York, who... Serena is based off of her. And she's like, related to like, Mercer, lik, that family. As in like Me cer street, I guess, I don't kno what the fuck they own. They own something. Poor Tori Spe

Vinny:

Oh, okay okay ling now... she's b Who is Lindsay Lohan's Disney roommate?

Sarah Lazarus:

Raven Simone.

Vinny:

Yas! Oh my god, that sounds like fun. I would love to live with them

Sarah Lazarus:

That definitely like now they would probably be so fun but I'm sure that was the most fucking chaotic environment.

Vinny:

I don't know if I would want to live with both of them... now.

Sarah Lazarus:

I would pay money to live with both... like that would like for three weeks. I would love to be stuck in an apartment with the two of them just for like a social experiment to see what would happen.

Vinny:

It would be extremely chaotic. It would end in like someone's death, probably yours

Sarah Lazarus:

I feel like I'd be thrown off a balcony.

Vinny:

I was thinking of that scene in Sex and the City where she falls out the window.

Sarah Lazarus:

New York's not fun anymore! New York's over O-V-E-R. That's like been me this whole pandemic, like looking at LA apartments in my mind. And then I'm like, I hate LA.

Vinny:

I can't stop looking at LA apartments and then I remember, I don't have a driver's license. So Fact number one, Britney Spears has released 24 fragrances. Fact number two. Lindsay Lohan is allergic to blueberries. Fact number three. Kim Kardashian had halitosis growing up. In an interview early in her career, her breath was described as rancid dog balls mist by her sister Kourtney.

Sarah Lazarus:

I believe that one because Kourtney's fucking savage. I don't think Lindsay Lohan is allergic to blueberries,

Vinny:

Baby, she's never had a blueberry in her life. And if she did, she'd be dead.

Sarah Lazarus:

Oh my gosh. I feel like Kourtney Kardashian would say that shit.

Vinny:

her breath is rancid dog balls mist.

Sarah Lazarus:

Yeah, exactly.

Vinny:

Yes, we can. So I have selected a GoFundMe to donate to

Sarah Lazarus:

Kylie is an extremely underpaid sex worker who's been on and off hormone replacement therapies since her health insurance regularly cuts her off every three to four months. She looks after her three kids, sisters and two year old nephew.

Vinny:

She's attempting to raise enough money for sustainable housing to ensure that billable health insurance doesn't take away from her completing her transition so that she can be her most authentic self and to give her the ability to have a few gender confirming procedures.

Sarah Lazarus:

Her GoFundMe is called Kylie's Survival Guide. Her name is Kylie Westbrooks, spelled Westbrook's, B-R-O-O-K-S, it's super important for trans people to complete their transitions. I know that that is something that completely changes their ability to exist in the best way that they can in the world and be their most authentic self. And like we've heard that from a lot of our guests on the show, and yeah, it's something to consider. Again, we talked about this all the time, donating to a specific person as opposed to like a very large corporate organization goes more of a long way because they directly receive the money to be able to do what they want with it. So consider doing that! We are joined by a fabulous tik toker and podcaster

Vinny:

You may have seen her on Tik Tok reading your last Goldman Sachs hook up to filth

Sarah Lazarus:

or listening to her Carrie Bradshaw meets Rose McGowan in Jawbreaker vibes on her podcast, "Let me ruin your life."

Vinny:

Please welcome glam demon 2004 aka Serena Shahidi!

Serena Shahidi:

Shahidi thank you. That was such a flattering introduction. I love it. I have, it's one of my favorites. Love

Sarah Lazarus:

Your vibes are so Rose McGowan to me. Have you see jawbreaker? Y jawbreaker, love Heathers, love a dark comedy Do you get like a lot of your like style and aesthetic inspiration from those movies?

Serena Shahidi:

Definitely. Definitely. That's like my aesthetic. It's just, I don't know. 90s movies, 90 star comedies

Sarah Lazarus:

They're the best I would love to hear you say "I killed Liz. I killed the teen dream" that would that would be a dream come true to hear you.

Serena Shahidi:

I feel like I haven't. I don't remember how it was said.

Rose McGowan:

I killed Liz. I killed the teen dream.

Serena Shahidi:

I'll practice it for you. I'll send you

Sarah Lazarus:

We'll rehearse. We'll do a reading

Serena Shahidi:

Perfect. She'll take an acting class.

Sarah Lazarus:

Exactly. So we want to know where were you born and what was your childhood like?

Serena Shahidi:

Love. I was born October 12, 1999 famous birthday says it was October 11. That is not true. I was born in Monterey, California. I grew up in North Carolina, Cary, very suburban. And I moved to New York like three years ago. So yeah, my childhood was a... was a good time, I was raised by my, like, literary hippie parents. So, lots of books. Lots of lots of old movies definitely influenced me. And now here I am.

Vinny:

And you you go to FIT now, right?

Serena Shahidi:

I do I study fashion business management.

Vinny:

Oh my god, that's so cool. What? Like, why did you choose FIT and fashion business?

Serena Shahidi:

Well, originally, I chose fit for fashion design, which is what I did for two years, just because I, I loved fashion. And I thought that, uh, I don't know, I just thought the fashion design would be a lot of fun and would be a very creative degree, which it was, but it was also like, I don't know, just a... a pain in the ass. And, uh, I felt like was not worth it for the degree I was getting. So then I transferred to fashion business. And it's a lot better as a degree, I would say, but it was just like so much easier that I now like don't know what to do with myself.

Sarah Lazarus:

What you should know is Vinny and I did not go to FIT, but we once brok in to FIT

Serena Shahidi:

Elaborate. I would love to hear

Sarah Lazarus:

What was this story? I think I'm just like, drunk on the street honestly,

Vinny:

beep-bopping around, we have like six or seven $1 shooters from the liquor store, and you're like, "where are we gonna go to drink beers?" And then I was like, "we should try and go into the FIT dining hall." And they let us in. They didn't ask for IDs or anything.

Serena Shahidi:

Really? Wow. They were super strict. I lived in the dorms for one semester. They were so strict about like alcohol and stuff. But like then, in when you're doing finals at FIT and fashion design, the sewing labs, like... people have flasks. People have like their weed vapes, their Adderall, everything...

Vinny:

Wow.

Serena Shahidi:

Well, we were not students. And we had our paraphernalia, just you know, hanging out. I think we had like a giant thing of chicken nuggets, too, just like sitting there. I think that sounds like going to FIT. I feel like you guys got the experience for free.

Vinny:

It was awesome. Do they give you... because they came around with like French fries? Oh, my God. Yeah. Do they do that normally or?

Serena Shahidi:

No, I mean, there is like a guy who fixes the sewing machines who will like handout energy drinks around finals, which is nice. But I have not experienced that. Wow.

Vinny:

Was it FIT? Maybe it was umm...

Sarah Lazarus:

100% FIT. We were literally in the cafeteria. And they were just like, do you want some fries?

Vinny:

And then we took an elevator and started drinking in a classroom

Sarah Lazarus:

Oh my God.

Serena Shahidi:

I love that that would truly sounds like the fit experience. It sounds like that me as a freshman.

Vinny:

When do you graduate?

Serena Shahidi:

I graduate in like two years.

Vinny:

Oh, awesome.

Serena Shahidi:

Yeah.

Sarah Lazarus:

What do you what do you plan to do with your degree?

Serena Shahidi:

Nothing. I don't know. I assume that I could drop out at any point. And my life trajectory would be about the same. But I just... I just want to have a degree I guess. But I imagine I'm going to be like deranged housewife with a jobbie.

Sarah Lazarus:

Yes. And so when did you start doing tic tocs? And what inspired you to start?

Serena Shahidi:

So I started doing tik toks in... I probably downloaded the app in like February of 2020. And I just downloaded it because I knew it was like, I don't know, I heard that it was a very like... cringey app. And I just love like watching cringe. And I had seen like YouTube commentary videos about people who do like POV thirst traps. And I was like, I need to see more of these videos of people embarrassing themselves. So I downloaded it. And then when lockdown happened, I was just kind of bored. I was living in an illegal nine bedroom apartment in Tribeca in like, a very, very tiny room that had no windows. So I think I was just like slowly going insane. And I posted a few videos because people, I mean, I feel like on every social media platform, they make videos about like what blank says about you. And I made a couple of videos about like what your New York City College says about you. Like very cliche, but I thought it was fun and it kind of uhh... escalated from there.

Sarah Lazarus:

And wait, what is a illegal nine bedroom apartment?

Serena Shahidi:

I honestly, I lived there for two years. I still don't know what's going on there like I would be... if I found out what was going on that apartment I would be absolutely floored if I found out that it was just like a normal apartment. I think originally it was like an office that they like then put up walls and they weren't flex walls. They were like real walls. But every room for the most part was like the size of a closet. windowless. There was one room that like you couldn't go through any way except for the bathroom. So like, the girl who lived there, she had to like wait, if someone was showering. Um, yeah, we had an air conditioner that worked a little bit but it would like flood the entire apartment if you turned it on. So it was just not worth it. But my room was so far away from the air conditioner that uh, my room was like 80 degrees. And it was a great experience. Humbling.

Sarah Lazarus:

I felt like we all go through that stuff in Manhattan life.

Serena Shahidi:

100%

Sarah Lazarus:

I was living because we went to Fordham and I was living like by... behind the Lincoln Center Performing Arts library and and there's like an apartment building that is just students from like Juilliard, Fordham, and like this like police school or something I don't even know... and a police academy. And it was just like, not... it was just such a shit building and they charged... I don't even know what are monthly I think we paid like $1200 each and it was like a not really a three bedroom was like definitely a studio apartment that they made

Serena Shahidi:

But that's what I live in now is a studio that was converted into a three bedroom.

Sarah Lazarus:

Yes, yes.

Vinny:

That's wesome. See, I had a bedroom where I couldn't sit up straight without hitting the ceiling. And that was hot! Now that you are like making it big on Tik Tok, what's what's in the future for glam demon?

Unknown:

What's in the future? Um, I don't know. I think I want to get married soon. My first marriage. I want to like... I want to be on a maybe like a reality TV show. I don't know. I just want to like start some shit. You know? I just want to like bring more chaos into the world than there was before I arrived.

Vinny:

I think... do you watch? Do you watch Big Brother?

Serena Shahidi:

I don't.

Vinny:

Mmm, well, you would win Big Brother.

Serena Shahidi:

Okay. I believe it. You should apply.

Sarah Lazarus:

There's like this early 2000s Bravo show that is like only had one season it was called Gallery Girls. I don't know if you've seen it. And it was... it was about gallery. Gallery Girls. No, but it was about girls who like worked at museums. And I feel like you would have fit in right into that show. Nobody knows about it. But hey

Serena Shahidi:

Interesting. I know. I used to watch an HBO reality show. Is it like cat house or something? That's like it's illegal brothel in Nevada. And it just

Sarah Lazarus:

Oh my gosh

Serena Shahidi:

it's a very interesting show

Vinny:

wait... on HBO?

Serena Shahidi:

I think it was on HBO, I assume. If it's fantastic. Definitely recommend.

Sarah Lazarus:

So what would your reality TV show be called if you had one?

Serena Shahidi:

Well, my idea is for a show called love triangle. That's like the bachelorette. Oh, it just hit my microphone. Me and a bunch of men, obviously, story of my life. And they think it's a normal reality dating show, but I'm secretly trying to pitch them on a pyramid scheme. And whoever wins, marries me, and joins the pyramid scheme.

Sarah Lazarus:

I love that

Vinny:

multi level marketing, TV show,

Sarah Lazarus:

Andy Cohen cult. I love it. So you talk about New York a lot. And I know you have certain neighborhoods you don't like, so we want to know what Manhattan neighborhood should be exiled from the island.

Serena Shahidi:

Oh, I mean, I think the obvious answer is Murray Hill. Yeah, it's it's just disgusting. I just refer to it as like nouveau-riche without the riche. It's gross. There's nothing to do there. Except like maybe

Sarah Lazarus:

die

Serena Shahidi:

Yeah, die. Uh, I don't know date the worst person of all time. Um, so I think that would be up there on the... the neighborhoods. I would, I would completely exile. I think FIDI would also be up there. I love the architecture, but anyone who lives there is gross.

Vinny:

When I was like 19 I had a sugar daddy who lived in Murray Hill. And if that neighborhood sunk into the river, I'd be okay with that. It would be okay.

Serena Shahidi:

It was a sugar daddy who lived in Murray Hill. What was the apartment like?

Vinny:

Oh, it honestly... it was cute. Except it was like a murphy bed apartment, where you like pulled from the wall.

Sarah Lazarus:

Are you sure it was a sugar daddy?

Vinny:

Splenda daddy, Splenda daddy.

Serena Shahidi:

Yeah, this might have been Just been an old man.

Vinny:

Definitely.

Serena Shahidi:

Interesting.

Sarah Lazarus:

I'm gonna defend Murray Hill. I had the best years of my life...

Serena Shahidi:

I wanna hear this argument because I've never heard anyone defend Murray Hill.

Sarah Lazarus:

Okay, so I stayed there for a summer like when I was like 16 or 17 just with friends and it was the best summer of my life. I stayed in like this old hotel that was like a huge... I think they call it "efficiencies." It's like just a huge hotel room. That's like really cheap because it's old. And I had the most fun time and Murray Hill you know, you have the restaurants. I was like, oh my... I didn't live in New York at the time. I just stayed there in the summer. So I was like, "oh my god Grand Central Station. Oh, I've never seen this before." So it was like a big deal for me.

Serena Shahidi:

I don't think it was Murray Hill that made it a good experience. I think you were just under age drinking a lot.

Sarah Lazarus:

Probably that

Serena Shahidi:

And excited about that.

Sarah Lazarus:

But I liked I like to think it was Murray Hill

Serena Shahidi:

Have you been back? Have you got like a night out in Murray Hill?

Sarah Lazarus:

I just want that memory to stay

Serena Shahidi:

Exactly.

Vinny:

We wanted to ask you we have like a bunch of questions. We want to know what is the worst date you've ever been on?

Serena Shahidi:

Oh, okay. I remember this because it was, uh... it was the ballroom at the Beekman. This was in FIDI. Shocker. Um, the first thing I remember is I was wearing like a like a tight short dress and a fur coat as I do. And the guy was late. And as soon as he as soon as he came, I was like,"Oh, you had me like waiting outside of a hotel lobby in a short dress and a fur coat." And he was so confused by that statement. I thought it was like an obvious hooker joke. But he was very confused. Just immediately started off weird vibes. We go to the bar, we have a seat, we start drinking. He starts talking about his life and just like bragging about everything. And he has like a normal finance job. Like he doesn't have a job that like, like, 20% of the guys in New York have his job or above... like it's nothing. So he starts bragging about that. I talk a little bit about myself. And he's like, "you know, this is kind of weird." And I'm like,"oh, it is kind of weird. Yeah. Why do you think it's weird?" And he goes, "I don't know, I just, I usually don't date girls who aren't models." So I'm like, oh, okay, okay. Um, and I'm just like, Alright, let me like, let me finish this drink. And then I'll go, let me not like storm out and cause a scene. And we talked for a little bit more. And I like make a joke. And he gets very offended by it. And it's just like, I don't know, I just don't think you're like hot enough to be talking to me that way. And so I just leave. But, I have a tradition where if I have a really bad date at a place or like a bad experience, I'd go back there either alone or with one of my friends and like reclaim the place. The next time I went there, I just like had had a glass of champagne. And this older guy came up to me and immediately bought me another glass and showed me his ID and was like, Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. My address for my house in Southampton is on there. And we saw each other for a bit. So the ballroom at the Beekman... reclaimed!

Vinny:

I love that. Worst date story and your best date story.

Serena Shahidi:

Oh, exactly.

Sarah Lazarus:

I think it's funny because we never as... I don't know, we were theater students that I wasn't there. So you were a math major, I forget. But you were just like adjacently always, also at the same parties, too. And like, I feel like we never went out. Like I don't even know any clubs in New York except for like Up and Down and Marquee and...

Serena Shahidi:

I mean, to be honest, like every club is that bad unless it's like a gay club or like, like, none of the clubs in Manhattan are good in any capacity. Um, but yeah, I feel like I went out a lot. Maybe it's an FIT thing. But in my schedule freshmen sophomore year. I'm like, how did I survive? I was like, I would be in the sewing lab until like 1AM. I would go to the club until like four. I would wake up at like, eight or nine. I thought a bag of Hot Cheetos was a meal. Like it was bad. I don't know how I lived.

Sarah Lazarus:

Jenny Humphrey. Where have you been? I just equate everything to Gossip Girl, I think but like I don't know, it was weird. The Fordham culture was like we all get fucked up in a Brooklyn apartment and do nothing and

Vinny:

It was very that

Serena Shahidi:

I've definitely had those nights

Sarah Lazarus:

And then Somebody would throw up and then the party would be over.

Vinny:

Every party ended with an ambulance car. Yeah.

Serena Shahidi:

Love that. Gorge.

Sarah Lazarus:

I know you love finance. What do you think is the worst stock to invest in right now? Or maybe you know, the best stock.

Serena Shahidi:

The worst stock to invest in right now. I mean, someone who knows a lot told me to invest in vertical farming. I don't know what the fuck that is. But I believe it. The worst stock to invest in right now. Hmm, God, what is happening in the world? I don't pay attention.

Sarah Lazarus:

GameStop... I don't even know what's going on with that. But it just sounds fun to me.

Serena Shahidi:

I just yeah, it's just it's Reddit nerds versus finance bros. I refuse to take a stand either way. Unless it's on a date, in which case I'm team hedge fund.

Sarah Lazarus:

Bernie Sanders, you would never... he would never be on your radar, then I guess.

Serena Shahidi:

Bernie and in what? In what capacity?

Sarah Lazarus:

Because he hates Wall Street and he's anti-Wall Street.

Serena Shahidi:

Well, I would vote for Bernie but I wouldn't tell any of my suitors about it.

Sarah Lazarus:

Okay.

Serena Shahidi:

You know, you have to like tone it down a bit.

Sarah Lazarus:

Right, right. Right. Yeah.

Serena Shahidi:

Change the subject.

Vinny:

So this next part is a Mad-lib, and we're not going to tell you what it's a Mad-lib of but I'm just gonna say, based off this conversation, I think you're gonna love it.

Serena Shahidi:

I'm so excited. Okay, let's do this

Vinny:

So the first thing I need is a noun

Serena Shahidi:

a noun? Armie Hammer. Oh, wait, who's... the who's the... Jesse Eisenberg. I've been watching interviews of him all day.

Sarah Lazarus:

I saw him once on the street and he was like, Yeah, he was with a girl. It was in Hell's Kitchen too. Which is funny. I don't know what Jesse Eisenberg would be doing in Hell's Kitchen.

Vinny:

Yes you do.

Sarah Lazarus:

I follow Jesse Eisenberg all the time.

Serena Shahidi:

I love that. Perfect. Take me with you next time.

Sarah Lazarus:

Will do!

Vinny:

Okay, so next I need two nouns

Serena Shahidi:

tonight. Just so many nouns. Um, I'm just gonna look around my room. A diet coke. Hot rollers.

Vinny:

Cool, now I need an adjective

Serena Shahidi:

Declasse

Vinny:

Declasse... I don't know how to spell that. But I did my best. A group of people a

Serena Shahidi:

group of people... Orthodox Jews.

Vinny:

Jews, okay, now an adjective

Serena Shahidi:

adjective. Sticky.

Vinny:

sticky. Now another group of people

Serena Shahidi:

COVID truthers.

Vinny:

COVID truthers. Now one hard drug

Serena Shahidi:

ketamine

Vinny:

And then I'm so sorry... Five nouns

Serena Shahidi:

five nouns? I'm looking around my room again. Mac lipstick,

Vinny:

Mac lipstick,

Serena Shahidi:

pet rock,

Vinny:

pet rock

Serena Shahidi:

fur coat

Vinny:

oh, fur coat

Serena Shahidi:

instant coffee.

Vinny:

One more

Serena Shahidi:

Steve Martin's memoir.

Vinny:

I might have to reduce the font on Steve Martin's memoir because of the formatting

Sarah Lazarus:

There's no room for Steve Martin.

Vinny:

This is a Madlib to like the ending part of Heather's suicide note

Serena Shahidi:

oh my god. Perfect. All right, here we go.

Vinny:

Yay.

Serena Shahidi:

Box up my Armie Hammer for Jesse Eisenberg. And give the poor my diet coke. donate my hot rollers to declasse Orthodox Jews, or those sticky COVID truthers on ketamine. Give them my Mac lipstick, then my pet rock, my fur coat, my instant coffee, my Steve Martin memoir Now I have a suicide note! That's perfect, I was drafting mine

Sarah Lazarus:

that was everything we wanted it to be and more.

Serena Shahidi:

Thank you so much.

Vinny:

So next up our next game that we have is Mary fuck kill. Are you familiar?

Serena Shahidi:

Yes.

Vinny:

Okay, great. Then we're gonna jump right in. So first marry fuck kill... we've got shitting on Park Avenue, Using Jeff Bezos as a footstool.

Serena Shahidi:

Uh huh?

Vinny:

And government subsidized internet trolls.

Serena Shahidi:

Marry using Jeff Bezos as a footstool. Even though he's stepping down I would say kill shitting on Park Avenue. And fuck government subsidized trolls

Vinny:

love it.

Sarah Lazarus:

Okay, Goldman Sachs, Jordan Belfort... Jordan Belfort's fart pen or Murray Hill

Serena Shahidi:

his what

Sarah Lazarus:

Fart pen. You just have to interpret that in the way you think it is.

Serena Shahidi:

I'm interpreting it as like he's passing gas into a vape pen somehow. Okay, so I'm gonna huh? I guess I'll have to fuck that. So I can kill Murray Hill. But then I'm marrying Goldman Sachs though I prefer a hedge fund but whatever settling I guess.

Vinny:

Okay, next up we have fenty thermometers, pink razor cell phones, and hives.

Serena Shahidi:

Um, I would say marry pink razor cell phones for sure. I would fuck Fenty thermometers, just to see what my temp is. And I would kill hives.

Vinny:

Love it.

Sarah Lazarus:

Good choice. Good choice.

Serena Shahidi:

Thank you so much.

Sarah Lazarus:

Last round of Mary Fuck Kill, London Tipton COVID vaccines, being stuck in purgatory that is just the line to get into up and down, Or Bernie Sanders Fashion Institute of Technology.

Serena Shahidi:

I'm definitely killing standing in the line and up and down. I would rather kill myself then do such a thing. I would... I think I would definitely marry London Tipton COVID vaccines. I'm sure London Tipton has already found a way to get the COVID vaccine which I'm very jealous of. And I would definitely fuck Bernie Sanders Institute of Technology and I would attend, free of charge

Sarah Lazarus:

Vinny has a COVID vaccine.

Vinny:

I do have a covid vaccine.

Serena Shahidi:

how? I fucked Joe Biden. Just kidding. I am a school teacher. I'll do it to. Oh, love!

Sarah Lazarus:

His blood is open for consumption. You know you can get your friends

Serena Shahidi:

Armie Hammer you listening?

Sarah Lazarus:

Yes.

Vinny:

That is so funny you say that. You know that's a great segue into our next game. Would you rather... Sarah I think you should go first.

Sarah Lazarus:

Okay, would you rather be army hammers reusable blood bag? or drink Armie Hammer?

Serena Shahidi:

Ooh, I would say drink armie hammer because I'm a feminist. And I feel like you would taste like... I actually don't know what he would taste like, I don't know, cocaine.

Vinny:

Yeah, probably

Serena Shahidi:

DMT Oh, various drugs. Did you see his like finsta was leaked and one of the he had to take a drug test to see his kids. And one of the captions was like "All clean bitches. I did have THC and benzos in my piss but who doesn't?" I just love the "who doesn't

Vinny:

honestly, I relate. I probably have those in my piss right now. Oh my god love that

Sarah Lazarus:

what is what is Armie Hammer's finsta? What I've not heard of this yet? What has been posted on this?

Serena Shahidi:

I don't know if it was like just a few posts got leaked or like he only had a few posts in there. But he had one like that he had another one that was a something along the lines of "divorce is fun, not as much fun as drugs. But what is?" And then he had another video. It was honestly quite a long video for such a short bit. But he's like going into his hotel room. And he's just checking out all the amenities and being like, "ooh, closet nice." And it just like, like scans past the fact that he has like a girl in lingerie on all fours on his bed.

Vinny:

I didn't see that.

Serena Shahidi:

yeah. Honestly, decent bit, but he kind of dragged it on. Not great comedic timing.

Sarah Lazarus:

He didn't commit to the bit. Exactly

Vinny:

interesting.

Serena Shahidi:

The amount of thirst tweets I had to unsend. It was so bad because one of my friends was like, I told him I thought Armie Hammer was hot. He was like, "Oh, he loves like young college girls. Totally dm him. He will respond." And I dmed him. And I'm like, Oh, of course he likes young college girls.

Vinny:

Okay, would you rather... Would you rather have a business school boyfriend who sucks toes or...

Serena Shahidi:

in business school? Currently?

Vinny:

Yes.

Serena Shahidi:

Bachelor or MBA

Vinny:

MBA

Serena Shahidi:

where? Target school?

Vinny:

let's say MBA Columbia. He's got it made. But he really like sucking toes. Or have a Russian royalty boyfriend with a baby fetish.

Serena Shahidi:

Define baby fetish.

Vinny:

Like you must wear a diaper every time you have sex

Serena Shahidi:

What's his net worth?

Vinny:

Say Putin's like... a third of Putin, Putin. Putin,

Serena Shahidi:

I'll wear a diaper. What are you gonna? You know what, better than dating a student, honestly.

Vinny:

At least he'll have time for you.

Serena Shahidi:

Exactly.

Sarah Lazarus:

Okay, would you rather create an environment that is so toxic or hate crime Zabar's?

Serena Shahidi:

Honestly, I would rather create an environment that is so toxic in Zabar's, which I did do last Thursday. But I would say create an environment that is so toxic, but preferably in Zabar's. I have a feeling I'm gonna meet my future husband there, because every time I go...

Sarah Lazarus:

you will you definitely will, what was your experience like in Zabar's? because I have my feelings about this too.

Serena Shahidi:

Um, it was a it was very exciting. That was, I don't know, it's sexy men and elderly people and a lot of intersection of the two groups. It's just like, you know, you get locx and you know, a shtup at the same time. You know, you go there and you get two and one. I love Zabars. It is like Jewish. It is a Jewish haven. It's like, just insanity. Like there are 40 year old women who are like hitting you for the white fish salad and knocking you out of the way... it's like it is it's a Jewish nightmare. And also dream at the same time. It is one of my favorite places. It's so fun. I need to get Zabar's mug.

Sarah Lazarus:

Oh my gosh,

Serena Shahidi:

I have a Theranos mug, which is a...

Sarah Lazarus:

Stop, oh my god. Wait, did you like actually get it from there?

Serena Shahidi:

No, I wish, I have a friend who makes them. And the other side says "I wish disgraced founder of theranos Elizabeth Holmes would make an MLM so I can join." And I have an Elizabeth Holmes t-shirt anfd a mask And I dressed as her for Halloween.

Sarah Lazarus:

Oh my god. I love Elizabeth Holmes

Serena Shahidi:

I'm obsessed with Elizabeth Holmes.

Sarah Lazarus:

I posted a an Elizabeth Holmes like sketch on YouTube and the comments were just "I like your boobs," so I'm doing the right thing.

Serena Shahidi:

That's also my feelings when watching the real Elizabeth Holmes, so...

Sarah Lazarus:

I'm doing the, I'm doing the work. You know?

Serena Shahidi:

My future wife. I'll be a prison wife for her.

Sarah Lazarus:

Hopefully you don't give her your blood. Or would you?

Serena Shahidi:

I'd rather her have it than Armie.

Sarah Lazarus:

Good point.

Serena Shahidi:

I trust her more. She can run it through her fraudulent machines. You know it's fine.

Vinny:

Yeah, donate your blood to small businesses only.

Serena Shahidi:

Exactly. Exactly. Startups only.

Vinny:

So final round of would you rather: Would you rather exhume Karl Lagerfeld or cremate Anna Wintour?

Serena Shahidi:

What does exhume mean?

Vinny:

I... you know what, Sarah, what does it mean?

Sarah Lazarus:

You take the body out of the grave

Serena Shahidi:

Oh, I want to do that. Well, I think I killed Karl Lagerfeld because I tweeted like a week before he died like,"Is he dead yet?" And then he... I think i manifested

Sarah Lazarus:

Everyone heard it here. glam demon 2004 is the reason Karl Lagerfeld is no longer alive.

Serena Shahidi:

Oh, well.

Sarah Lazarus:

I feel like I'm the reason Trump is president... was President. Thank God. Because...

Serena Shahidi:

elaborate.

Sarah Lazarus:

When I was like 12 or 13 I made a Facebook status that said "I thought Donald Trump was the president" because when I was little I used to confuse him with Bill Clinton for some reason. I don't know why.

Serena Shahidi:

You literally spoke it into existence.

Sarah Lazarus:

I can't believe I did it.

Serena Shahidi:

Oh my god. Wow. Our power though. Like what do we do next?

Sarah Lazarus:

You know what, you know the Future is female.

Serena Shahidi:

The future is female. Yeah, can you tweet like... I thought Elizabeth Holmes was president? And we can... I want that to happen. She needs to distribute the COVID vaccines

Sarah Lazarus:

I would get her vaccine and nobody else's.

Serena Shahidi:

100%

Sarah Lazarus:

I would love that Theranos... what are the actual companies that they that they are right now? What do they called?

Vinny:

Moderna and Pfizer

Serena Shahidi:

I know more about Theranos than I do about the the vaccine that's currently saving humanity.

Sarah Lazarus:

So do we have anything to look any work to look out for that you have coming up anything that anyone should follow? Your podcast and the new episodes? Well, my podcast is kicking as always, my next episode is going to be with my friend Ri, who runs the Wall Street confessions Instagram page. So we talk a lot about finance bros, we play go fish with our hinge matches to see how much overlap we have. And it's a lot. So, exciting things are happening on the podcast, Caroline Calaway is going to be on next month. My rumored new girlfriend Caroline Calaway. And I want to start a Patreon soon so I can talk about... I don't know, more about dating rich men and things that people will call me classist for. We look forward to that and your future reality TV show.

Serena Shahidi:

Thank you.

Sarah Lazarus:

So we leave all of our guests with a quote. It's not relevant, but we just like it. So Vinny, do you want to read it?

Vinny:

Absolutely. Our quote for today is "That's hot." -Ber ie Sand

Serena Shahidi:

Seems relevant to me. I don't know what you're talking about. Follow us on Twitter at wish u were weird 1, that is the letter U not the word you. And if you come across that bitch ass Twitter that has wish you were weird. report them.

Sarah Lazarus:

This episode of wish u were weird was sponsored by nobody. Please sponsor us. Thanks.